I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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