Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
