She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
