I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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