Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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