I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
