We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
