I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
