it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
