Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
