Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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