I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
