I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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