I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
