if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
