I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Randomize
