if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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