You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
