i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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