My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
