We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
