hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
My liver just had a heart attack.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
