im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
