You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
