dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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