we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
