Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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