Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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