she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
