i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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