She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
