literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
