why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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