I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
She told me I should be a condom model.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
