Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
