Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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