dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
