Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I stole a fireplace last night.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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