shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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