Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
where are my eyebrows?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
