I'm going to jail i love you
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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