i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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