did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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