His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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