get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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