omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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