help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I can't put those talents on a resume
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
