so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
