There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
