he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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