take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I can't put those talents on a resume
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
