Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
