Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
