I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
