I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
